Your place is suddenly messier than usual. Why are all of those dishes out? I should probably wash them. Nah, another time. If there's a five second rule for bacteria, there's probably like a five day rule for cockroaches and weird odours? I don't know. What is this weird feeling, though? I feel like I want to drive somewhere to see something but I don't know where nor what. What is there to see here? It's 5pm, I just got out of my company building. Maybe I just need to buy something cool, right? We live in this capitalistic system where we're constantly, subconsciously pressured to buy distractions. Here I stand, looking at the mall's map telling me what's there to buy. I notice the fashion category is by far the largest on the map. The electronics store has nothing of interest really. I have computer perhiperals and a smartphone. I'm covered, so I'm back home. Why did I even go to a fucking mall? Did I just go to a mall aimlessly? I didn't really have an idea of what I wanted to buy. The feeling is still there.
The door unlocks. I'm greeted by the warm embrace of my empty flat. There's my computer, my TV, my simracing rig, my speaker system, all the LEDs and christmas lights strung about... Should probably buy something for this place, feels so empty... Maybe it's sadness, I've felt sad about things before. Why does the sad music sound cheesy, though? It doesn't sound like it's resonating with what I'm feeling. What is this feeling?
Fuck it, there's no point in just sitting around with my own thoughts. What good has a man done just sitting down and thinking, not being distracted by anything? GTA IV title screen appears in front of me. Playing videogames is like the last thing on my mind right now. Did I start GTA IV? Why did I start that... Well it doesn't matter, it's not like I had anything better to do, I might as well run about and see if there's anything to do.
Wait, no, I don't feel like playing this game, there's nothing to gain from doing this, I should stop. Oh, it's dark outside. The feeling doesn't go away, how many hours have passed, what is this, it's slowly starting to grind my psyche. It's like anxiety and boredom somehow combined in a way where they are neutralized but their effects remain. How is it possible for me to not want to do anything? In such a vast universe, experiencing consciousness, living in a vibrant community of strangers, friends and family. I've always done stuff but that stuff seems boring. I'm searching for something which maybe cannot be found, but I also can't be sure until I find it. Maybe I just need to wait for this militant grayness to end, I mean that's how it worked before. I know I probably won't go out with a bang, and I'm quite sure even if I do, that bang won't be of my own hand. In situations like these the only options is to just keep existing. Well, that, and downing a few beers and writing a shitty self-hosted article for Brandon to read. I love you Brandon <3
If consciousness is a privilege, then emotions are to be treated as such too. You literally won't know how bad it is to lose them. In fact, you won't even feel it. I should probably go to sleep, tomorrow will be better. If it isn't then I don't know what. That's a problem for tomorrow I guess.
11.10.2022.
