So here's another lame battle I've been having with myself. I've noticed this when I realized I have two Sony Trinitron televisions lying on my living room floor, opened. Why are they opened, circuit boards and wires all standing exposed? It's because I'm fucking lame and I'm trying to find my meaning in something material, outside of my own being.
I often have these bursts of "passion" for projects where I feel like acquiring material goods of varying quality will improve my quality of life. Other times I flip around and want to get rid of all of those. It seems like such a silly binge-purge cycle. I don't think I'll be happier if I fix up one of those two trinitrons to have perfect geometry and contrast. I don't think I'll be happy if I finally fix my PS2's optical drive. Just like I felt as empty as ever even after fixing up my friend's PSP and modding it with an IPS mod and a CFW. You do it and you leave it be, realizing it brings people happiness more because of nostalgia rather than some objective quality.
But what would I be without my hobbies and passions? What would I do without getting distracted with crazy projects constantly? I think about how it would be if I just woke up in my minimalist dream where it became a reality. Just me in a clean flat with my modded X230 and an old speaker system. I feel like I would be as care free as a man can be, leashed to nothing but the system which controls us all. In that world, from my perspective, I would do nothing. What can a man do with just his shitty laptop from 2011 and an internet connection, I ask condescendingly.
I want to tell myself I would be a better man, a more normal man who is in touch with his fellow neighbour, who is in touch with the world aroung him, experincing the "human experience" one step at a time, lockstep with everyone around him. But what value is in that. Me writing this lame blogpost and you reading it, that's as much of a human experience as climbing the top of Mt. Everest. In terms of "human experience" both are equally valuable.
Was there a point to this lame writeup? No, I don't think so. I'm just confused with the "best way to live" my life. The answer is probably somewhere in the middle, but strangely enough I can't seem to find that golden middle grond where I enjoy life and "the human experience" without getting lost in the world of material obsessions. The minimalist vs maximalist style of life dichotomy. What is an artist without their tool, their weapon of mass construction?
17.09.2023.
